Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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