i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
