He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you win again, gameday.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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