Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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