come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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