i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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