the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
