im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
