Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
