I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
