I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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