My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
