you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
