He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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