i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
