so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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