I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
