Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
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Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
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I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
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