I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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