did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
