Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
