I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
