also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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