The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
