I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just googled if crying burns calories
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
