What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
