I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
