You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
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My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
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I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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