i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
