I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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