My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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