Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
