Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm jealous of your bromance
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
