My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
