Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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