the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
