ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
