now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
