you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
