You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
