she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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