My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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