my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
