just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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