i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We talked him into tasing himself.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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