my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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