Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
