How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
