I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
