Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
