broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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