Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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