CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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