were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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