I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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