she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You made out with two different species that night
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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