The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
