currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
