a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize